If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
You Might Also Like
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep