If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
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The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
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[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
accurate
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
my dog when i have a friend over
