Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

Erm…

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

ready to be harvested

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

best review i’ve ever seen

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.