If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
You Might Also Like
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
never stops being funny
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Can’t stop laughing
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.