If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
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eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that