If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
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I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea