Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

Thrilling chase underway

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.