Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

broke down and did it

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.