If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
don’t we all
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
