Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.