If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Why soy sad?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I’ve disappointed better people.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.