If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
new career option?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –