If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
how much for the angry fruit?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Hmm, not sure about this change
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
“We will wed,” I threatened
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.