If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
🤣😈🤣
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
The smoothest fall of all time
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
#Caturday
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.