If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
they see me scrollin
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.