If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.