If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.