If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
You Might Also Like
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
this is so top tier i cant
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”