If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
How to woo a woman
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*