@JohnLyonTweets

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

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@EliBraden

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

@3sunzzz

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

@BlondAmbitionTO

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

@Ygrene

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

@kelllicopter

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

@omgthatspunny

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

@shkeeber

Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

@RidiculousSheri

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.