Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.