If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?