If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

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Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’


My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.


If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.


[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife


i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.


Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.


The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.