If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.

You’re now their prom date!

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[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital


[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?


[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?


A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.


I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.


Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.


me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is


*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!


[Painting the mona lisa]

Madam Lisa Giacondo: *sniffs the air* ewww Lenny omg

Da Vinci: haha .No Wait.That Expression! DONTA MOVE A MUSCLE


Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked