her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.
You’re now their prom date!
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BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[Painting the mona lisa]
Madam Lisa Giacondo: *sniffs the air* ewww Lenny omg
Da Vinci: haha .No Wait.That Expression! DONTA MOVE A MUSCLE
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked