if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
i’m sure it’s fine
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?