if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.