if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
☠️ ☠️
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
iPhone X
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
*frowns in Scottish*
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
😭😭
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it