if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
You Might Also Like
just having fun
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.