If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
🤣🤣
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
