If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Eat…
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months