Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

Tell me you get it…🤣

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*