If you’re found snoozing at your desk, just say “Oh they told me at the blood bank that this might happen!”

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Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.


CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!


cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important


That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.


my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”

my work here is done.


husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it


Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things


Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?


In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years