@HelenMaryMe

If you’re found snoozing at your desk, just say “Oh they told me at the blood bank that this might happen!”

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@AndrewNadeau0

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

@GrumpyBahr

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

@Skoog

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

@_TheGreatGrizz_

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

@cmfh111

my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”

my work here is done.

@carlyken

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

@JediGigi

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

@E_lok44

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

@NicestHippo

In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years