Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
You Might Also Like
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
“What?”
– Jude
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?