If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
🏙👨🏼
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective