If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
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*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Social Media and Real life
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.