Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Are you ok, human???

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.