If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Bit chilly again tonight.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you