If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
それは草
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Why font matters.
