If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*me flirting
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
It’s a gift
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
.
.
.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.