If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.