If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights

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Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like


[in the club]

Me: did it hurt?

Cute Girl: excuse me?

Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?

Cute Girl: yes it did.

Me: once again I am so sorry.


I have an eating disorder; I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.


THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week


ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys


You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.


I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever


Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday



Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.


Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode