@Bdell1014

If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights

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@preritpathak

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

@NewDadNotes

[in the club]

Me: did it hurt?

Cute Girl: excuse me?

Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?

Cute Girl: yes it did.

Me: once again I am so sorry.

@omgthatspunny

I have an eating disorder; I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

@roxiqt

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

@MunkMania

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

@RidiculousDak

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

@pilau

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

@GirlCode

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode