Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.