If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
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So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid