Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr