If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
why I oughta
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no