Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!