If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
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I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
my retirement plan is braless
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
me: hey, can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: could I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent