If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
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screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Battery falling down a hole
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
How do you milk an almond?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My dad.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of