Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

the three branches of government

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.