If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.