Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

and this one

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.