Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts