If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
You Might Also Like
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Cheer up.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
