If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
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One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
dark side of the loom
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it