If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
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A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
That earthquake could have been an email.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us