If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
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Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
my favorite genre of twitter
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.