if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.