@Sarcasticsapien

If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.

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@traciebreaux

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

@fro_vo

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

@amydillon

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

@Geestargames

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

@delusions_of

What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”

@zaktoscani

Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

@NotBachibawlz

I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”

@TheDailySchmuck

1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.

2016: *watching cat videos*

@novicefather

[glances toward living room stenographer]

“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”

stenographer: I promise not to get mad