I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
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Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Every damn time
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)