@Sarcasticsapien

If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.

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@Jamberee13

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

@SaraThomas84

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

@hazelmotes1

Hot Pringles in your area want you to jam your whole fist in their cans.

@Havish_AF

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

@OtherDanOBrien

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

@DuckhouseMedia

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

@Reverend_Scott

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

@chashmaswag

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

@PwrFulWmn

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.