If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.

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I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit


If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now


Hot Pringles in your area want you to jam your whole fist in their cans.


Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?


[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.


Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer


[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]


My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.


You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.