A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.
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Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
12. I think about this all the damn time
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”
Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.
I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”
“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”
1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.
2016: *watching cat videos*
[glances toward living room stenographer]
“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”
stenographer: I promise not to get mad