If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
