If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
same vibe as tangled headphones
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.