If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
You Might Also Like
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?