If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato