Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

We don’t deserve birds.

everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

Oh we’ve met.

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.