Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.