If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
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I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
You can’t outrun your problems…
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.