Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

biblically accurate fire hydrant

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.