If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
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I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?