“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
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[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
they split up moments later
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.