@on_the_fritz_17

If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.

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@DaddyJew

Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?

Me: lol I think I’m hearing the question wrong

@Jake_Vig

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

@YourAnMoron

You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.

@PetrickSara

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

@JKickinit30

Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.

@DadandBuried

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.