If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.

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Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?

Me: lol I think I’m hearing the question wrong


Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.


You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.


I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine


Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”


Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.


My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.