Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Truth

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware