If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
You Might Also Like
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Did…did a minotaur write this
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Teach your children to beatbox
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
We all have our pet causes.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.