Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Can’t, holding a grudge

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.