If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
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Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Spring cleaning checklist…
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them