If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
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(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again