If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

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I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.


2008: listen high school sucks for a lot of people but in a decade you’ll be making good money, probably have a wife

2018: you’re in an online feud with DaCumGuzzler69


My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.


a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it


We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.


When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.


Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.


Sorry for writing “Everyone makes mistakes” in your wedding guestbook.


Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.