@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

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@RobDenBleyker

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

@jonnysun

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

@Billie_Jean00

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

@thatdutchperson

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

@heyitsJudeD

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

@tsm560

I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*

*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.

@BrandonEsWolf

Maryland from a practical standpoint is arguably the worst state-shaped charcuterie board

@velweb

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

@mdob11

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.