If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
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ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*