@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

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@causticbob

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

@CIAGoFundMe

2008: listen high school sucks for a lot of people but in a decade you’ll be making good money, probably have a wife

2018: you’re in an online feud with DaCumGuzzler69

@TheTweetOfGod

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

@wolfpupy

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

@ComedicBust

We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.

@LoveNLunchmeat

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

@AnniemuMary

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

@Home_Halfway

Sorry for writing “Everyone makes mistakes” in your wedding guestbook.

@longwall26

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.